It’s been about three months solid off the grog and the smokes and the substances I like to throw down and what have I got to show for it?
What?
Healthy liver
Healthy lungs
Healthy bank balance
Healthy promotion
A happy wife and a healthy marriage
But all this at what cost I ask?
I’M FUCKING BORED SHITLESS FOR FUCK SAKE
The bills are being paid on time, the gas bills, the electricity bills, the telephone bills.
I’m a fucking valued customer now. Six months ago I was utility enemy number one.
I now go for nightly walks with the wife and the dog around the neighbourhood streets and smile and make small talk to other dog owners we meet on the way
“Oh what a cute dog” they say
“What’s his name” they say
“Our dog is five” they say
“And his name is George” they say
(FUCK UP AND DIE YOU CUNTING WANKERS)
I smile through gritted teeth trying not to vomit into my mouth and look to my wife to do the talking.
Last weekend I actually spent a whole day looking at linen.
FUCKING LINEN
I know the fucking cotton thread count of every fucking major brand on the fucking market
And that’s not all
I’m using words at work I have never used before like
“In moving forward”
And
“But is it sustainable”
I even used the word synergy in a sentence
It’s got to fucking stop.
I’m loosing my soul
I went to the doctor’s to talk, in talk I mean give me drugs, lots of drugs, drugs to make sure that when in moving forward it’s sustainable and can be achieved in synergy
“Doc I’m going mad” I tell him
“Why is that Bo?”
“I’m writing shopping lists and drinking organic rice milk” I tell him
“What’s wrong with that?”
“I fucking hate rice milk that’s what’s wrong, stay with me Doc”
“Ok and what else”
“I’m not drinking, I’m not smoking and the only woman I’m fucking is my wife”
“That’s a good thing Bo” he says
“Don’t patronise me Doc”
“Ok then why is this not a good thing Bo?”
“I’m a womanising drunk with the sex drive of a rabbit and the now highlight of my week is watching ‘That’s Gold’ on the NRL Footy show and seeing QBE get up $1.40 on the stock market”
“So is this change in lifestyle affecting you” he says
“I wouldn’t be sitting here banging my head against a brick wall with you if it wasn’t now would I Doc”
“So how can I help you Bo?”
“I was hoping you could tell me, seeing how much you’re charging me for this consultation”
“Ok Bo I’m going to prescribe you a course of Valium. Take one in the morning and one at night, this will help you with you’re anxiety”
“First smart thing you’ve said in 20 minutes Doc”
I left that doctors surgery and went next door to the chemist to get my prescription filled
Once I got my prescription filled I went to the next, next door and got six longneck Carlton Draughts from the bottle shop
Whoever put these three businesses next to each other didn’t have the goodness of humankind in mind.
Or they are pure fucking geniuses
I jumped in the car, cracked a longneck and popped three Valium and steered the car to the nearest brothel
I have a soul to get back.
So as you can see fuckers I have been very busy pretending to be someone I’m not and paying the ultimate price of loosing ones soul.
I have not been writing at all and not spending anytime on the internet apart from checking in on my favourite porn sites for some well needed masturbation.
I will be around to all of you soon and spending some time reading and catching up on what you have all been up to. I still need to find out what happened to Fingers and the Brain, two geniuses at work.
I have probably been voted out by the blogging tribal counsel cause of my absence as I know how fucking fragile some of you cunts can be.
Will be around soon
Till then
FUCK OFF
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10 comments:
Oh forgot to say, its good to see you back though. Did miss your posts :)
Great to see you back :)
And I hope you've learned a valuable lesson in clean living.
It sucks.
Everybody needs some vice in their life, whether it's valium and women or chocolate hob knobs and gorgeous triangle man down at the gym.
Get a fucking life :D
xx
About time you fucking woke up to yourself.
In going forward I think it is time to start drinking again and generate some blog fodder.
Self destruction is the only sustainable option on the table.
Best post I've read anywhere on the internet since 9 Jul 2008.
"longneck Carlton Draughts" - we have a lot in common!!!
I thought you were a poof
but now I see you're a cunt.
Very glad to see you back
Big fucking deal !!!
So you're back on pills and drink and nicotine.
You're soul will never recover unless you resign from your cushy, ivory tower and return to some cockroach-infested kitchen to work for minimum wage...
One or two...girls got to keep herself amused somehow.
lol. your funny. i enjoy the doggie walk talk unless i'm looking shitty. :D
You post is how most married ones tend to feel all the time but fail to get it out of their system. Kudos for the post. Intriqing man you are if you don't mind I will return
Asweet- Thank you, You can pop by anytime.
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