I was working in a dirty shit-hole kitchen in St Kilda as an apprentice
A marvellous introduction into the world of commercial cooking
It was a real dump, there was food stains on the roof, green rotten bacon in the drop fridges, mouldy soups that would be mixed together and put up on the specials board
The head chef was a big Greek man who would walk in and say “Who we gonna kill today ah you motherfuckers”?
He always played 80’s music during service and sang at the top of his voice
I was in charge of the cold larder section, cockroach salads and mice terrine
The job was shit and so was the pay
But the wait staff were top notch.
They were all uni students studying art or some subject that would eventually help them get into a leading call centre one day
There was this one girl Josephine who was a ballerina in training and she had the most tremendous posture I had ever seen.
She would glide across the kitchen: back straight, head perfectly angled and an ass like an eleven year old boy and she couldn’t put a move wrong.
Not in my book
I cut my finger nail clean off twice just from looking at that ass glide on by
She was crazy too, she’d sneak up on me from behind and slap me across the back of my head real hard and when I turned around she would grab my ears with both hands and pull me too her and plant a big kiss smack on my lips and say “It’s cold and rainy outside with a slight south westerly” and she would turn on her toes and glide off.
She only worked Friday & Saturday nights and on those nights after work she would come over to my apartment, sit at my kitchen table and play Uno and drink Ouzo.
I’d drink whisky straight up and smoke cheap cigars and let the ash fall on the table
She would shoot her Ouzo down, each time, wipe her mouth with the back of her hand and say “That’ll put hair on ya chest, too right it will”
We never had a straight conversation, it was always in statements or riddles or looks or physical
If I said something she didn’t like she would slap me across the face
If I said something that she liked she would grab my balls and wink
It could be something as little as “Would you like a cup of tea”?
SLAP
“How about Ouzo”?
BALLS, WINK
I never offered much tea
She would craft little faces or figures out of my cigar ash on the table using a toothpick, give them names like Frank or Gretel and baptise them with Ouzo washing them away
“Why you gotta do that on my table”? I’d say
“Fuck you they have as much right to go to heaven as you do” she’d say
“Why use the Ouzo? It gets on the floor and I stick to it all week, use the water”
“You’re not gunna get into heaven with that attitude Mr” she’d say and toss a shot of Ouzo at me and then she would deal another hand
She always won at Uno; I was never much a fan I just played it to keep her there. I liked having her around; she wasn’t dull like most other girls
Also, we never once had sex
She said she was saving herself for Mr Right
“I’m saving myself for Mr Right” she’d say
I was not him
Instead we would sit at the kitchen table where we drank and played and smoked and baptised and we would take our pants off and masturbate together too miss matched celebrities
She would rub her clitorises and say “Julia Roberts and Humphrey Bogart” and she would close her eyes and moan
I would work my cock and say “Marilyn Monroe and Jack Nicholson” and she would close her eyes and moan
Sometimes I would say the wrong name and she would open her eyes and slap me
When we came we would yell “UNO” and she would come over to me and lick the cum off my hand and leg and take a shot of Ouzo and say “That’ll put hair on ya chest, too right it will”
I still see her sometimes when I go to the Ballet
Watching her glide across the stage like she did in the kitchen
She did find Mr Right, a local minister out in the suburbs
I hope he likes Uno
PS. Sorry fuckers for not being around too much lately, the fuckers I work for gave me a promotion and now I have to pretend I know what I’m doing at a whole new pay level. Will be around soon
Till then
FUCK OFF
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Beef Casserole at a 100 paces
Another house, another bed, another woman, another bathroom, another way home
I get up and go to the bathroom for a shit; her cooking is taking its revenge
I use her toothbrush and throw up in the toilet, sweat beading on my forehead, I wipe the sweat with my singlet top and it leaves a dirty mark where I wiped
Crazy bitch tried to kill me
I sit on the toilet and the shit streams out like the vomit did, thin and powerful.
I wash my face and hands, brush my teeth and I vomit again
I find the kitchen downstairs and drink from a container of juice and look at her family pictures stuck on the fridge with magnets collected on family trips around Australia
There’s a big pineapple, a big banana, a big lobster, a big worm and a big guitar
There’s a picture of her and her husband and her two kids sitting on a bluestone wall with the ocean behind them, they are all smiling and looking happy and relaxed.
I vomit into the sink
I look for something to wipe my mouth
I look in the cupboards, the draws and the pantry, nothing
I grab one of the finger paintings off the fridge and wipe the vomit from my mouth and put it back with the big pineapple
I take another drink of juice and stare at the finger painting
I have improved it
I go back upstairs and look at her sleeping, her legs are showing out from under the sheets, she has wonderful legs, long and thin and smooth and strong.
They are not legs exclusively for me, I must share them with her husband and with other lovers. I want her legs just for me, around me, smooth and strong and long and thin.
I trace my index finger the length of her leg and she stirs and so does my stomach
I run to the bathroom and vomit
She comes in behind me
“What’s the matter?”
“You tried to kill me you crazy bitch”
“What are you talking about?”
“The food, you poisoned it you crazy bitch, I’m going to die, I can feel death”
“No I didn’t you bastard; you just have a weak stomach”
“Hand me your toothbrush, I’m going to stick it down my throat and get all your poison out”
“What? No way man you have vomit in your mouth, use your fingers”
“I already used it twice already, hand me the damn thing, I gotta get this Death outta me you crazy bitch”
She hands me her toothbrush and I stick it as far down my throat as I can and more of her poison comes out.
I jab it in further and more of her death comes out.
“Crazy bitch I’m dieing, you killed me”
As I kneel down like a dog at the toilet and jam her toothbrush down a third time and really try to force out the death, I loose my bowels and spray shit across the bathroom.
She screams
“Ahhh it’s on my leg, you son-of-a-bitch you shit on my leg, Ahhh”
“Screw your leg I’m dieing, I’m dieing and I shit myself, I can see the headlines now”
WOMANISING BLOGGER FOUND DEAD
IN LEGGY LOVERS BATHROOM
COVERED IN SHIT AND VOMIT,
MURDERED BY BEEF CASSEROLE
“You shit on my mat and my leg and look at the tiles, ahhhh, you son-of-a-bitch, who’s gunna clean this up?”
“Quick get me some finger paintings”
“What?”
“Finger paintings woman, on the fridge, with the big fruit, get em”
She leaves the room
I crawl in the shower, turn on the water and watch the shit and vomit disappear down the drain and wait for death.
I’m still waiting…………
I get up and go to the bathroom for a shit; her cooking is taking its revenge
I use her toothbrush and throw up in the toilet, sweat beading on my forehead, I wipe the sweat with my singlet top and it leaves a dirty mark where I wiped
Crazy bitch tried to kill me
I sit on the toilet and the shit streams out like the vomit did, thin and powerful.
I wash my face and hands, brush my teeth and I vomit again
I find the kitchen downstairs and drink from a container of juice and look at her family pictures stuck on the fridge with magnets collected on family trips around Australia
There’s a big pineapple, a big banana, a big lobster, a big worm and a big guitar
There’s a picture of her and her husband and her two kids sitting on a bluestone wall with the ocean behind them, they are all smiling and looking happy and relaxed.
I vomit into the sink
I look for something to wipe my mouth
I look in the cupboards, the draws and the pantry, nothing
I grab one of the finger paintings off the fridge and wipe the vomit from my mouth and put it back with the big pineapple
I take another drink of juice and stare at the finger painting
I have improved it
I go back upstairs and look at her sleeping, her legs are showing out from under the sheets, she has wonderful legs, long and thin and smooth and strong.
They are not legs exclusively for me, I must share them with her husband and with other lovers. I want her legs just for me, around me, smooth and strong and long and thin.
I trace my index finger the length of her leg and she stirs and so does my stomach
I run to the bathroom and vomit
She comes in behind me
“What’s the matter?”
“You tried to kill me you crazy bitch”
“What are you talking about?”
“The food, you poisoned it you crazy bitch, I’m going to die, I can feel death”
“No I didn’t you bastard; you just have a weak stomach”
“Hand me your toothbrush, I’m going to stick it down my throat and get all your poison out”
“What? No way man you have vomit in your mouth, use your fingers”
“I already used it twice already, hand me the damn thing, I gotta get this Death outta me you crazy bitch”
She hands me her toothbrush and I stick it as far down my throat as I can and more of her poison comes out.
I jab it in further and more of her death comes out.
“Crazy bitch I’m dieing, you killed me”
As I kneel down like a dog at the toilet and jam her toothbrush down a third time and really try to force out the death, I loose my bowels and spray shit across the bathroom.
She screams
“Ahhh it’s on my leg, you son-of-a-bitch you shit on my leg, Ahhh”
“Screw your leg I’m dieing, I’m dieing and I shit myself, I can see the headlines now”
WOMANISING BLOGGER FOUND DEAD
IN LEGGY LOVERS BATHROOM
COVERED IN SHIT AND VOMIT,
MURDERED BY BEEF CASSEROLE
“You shit on my mat and my leg and look at the tiles, ahhhh, you son-of-a-bitch, who’s gunna clean this up?”
“Quick get me some finger paintings”
“What?”
“Finger paintings woman, on the fridge, with the big fruit, get em”
She leaves the room
I crawl in the shower, turn on the water and watch the shit and vomit disappear down the drain and wait for death.
I’m still waiting…………
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Bad boys get more sex: study
This is an actual article on the Nine MSN website today.
Bad boys really do get the girls, according to new research.
This week's New Scientist says two studies in the US have found that men with antisocial personality traits are more likely to have a prolific sex life.
The so-called `dark triad' traits include impulsiveness, narcissism, thrill-seeking and deceitfulness, it said.
One of the studies, a survey of 35,000 people in 57 countries, found a clear link between dark triad traits and the reproductive success of males.
"It is universal across cultures for high dark triad scorers to be more active in short-term mating," David Schmitt, of Bradley University in the United States, told the New Scientist.
"They are more likely to try and poach other people's partners for a brief affair."
Another study found that males who scored higher in the dark triad personality traits had a greater number of partners and a desire for short relationships.
No fucking shit you stupid twat. While you’re conducting studies I’m fucking the life out of your wives and girlfriends, fucking their boring day to day life with you right out of them.
I can hear it in their screams, feel it their trembling bodies
NEW RESEACH
You dumb fucks actually went to university and you put you’re higher learning skills to use in a study like this.
What’s next?
New research shows that the longer you live the older you get.
Stupid dumb fucks
In fact I’m going to conduct my own study
New research shows that wives of dumb fuck scientists, whose cunts were fucked so thoroughly and viciously by Bad boy Bo Bo, were unable to go back to their stupid-ass-licking-white-coat-wearing-pen-protector-wankers-of-dumb-fuck-scientist-husbands.
Leaving the dumb fuck scientists to go through the rest of their lives conducting pointless and obvious studies while all around them fucked their brains out
Submitted
Published
A+
Fuck Off
Bad boys really do get the girls, according to new research.
This week's New Scientist says two studies in the US have found that men with antisocial personality traits are more likely to have a prolific sex life.
The so-called `dark triad' traits include impulsiveness, narcissism, thrill-seeking and deceitfulness, it said.
One of the studies, a survey of 35,000 people in 57 countries, found a clear link between dark triad traits and the reproductive success of males.
"It is universal across cultures for high dark triad scorers to be more active in short-term mating," David Schmitt, of Bradley University in the United States, told the New Scientist.
"They are more likely to try and poach other people's partners for a brief affair."
Another study found that males who scored higher in the dark triad personality traits had a greater number of partners and a desire for short relationships.
No fucking shit you stupid twat. While you’re conducting studies I’m fucking the life out of your wives and girlfriends, fucking their boring day to day life with you right out of them.
I can hear it in their screams, feel it their trembling bodies
NEW RESEACH
You dumb fucks actually went to university and you put you’re higher learning skills to use in a study like this.
What’s next?
New research shows that the longer you live the older you get.
Stupid dumb fucks
In fact I’m going to conduct my own study
New research shows that wives of dumb fuck scientists, whose cunts were fucked so thoroughly and viciously by Bad boy Bo Bo, were unable to go back to their stupid-ass-licking-white-coat-wearing-pen-protector-wankers-of-dumb-fuck-scientist-husbands.
Leaving the dumb fuck scientists to go through the rest of their lives conducting pointless and obvious studies while all around them fucked their brains out
Submitted
Published
A+
Fuck Off
Monday, June 16, 2008
Sex and Whisky
“You wanna go shoot some hoops”?
“Listen kid I’m twice you’re age and my backs not too good and you’re a nice girl and nice girls shouldn’t be shooting hoops”
“But I wanna shoot some hoops”
“How about you get me a glass of water from the kitchen and jump back in bed here with me”
“You never want to do anything fun old man”
“I’m 28 and you had me up most of the night with the sex and the games and I just don’t wanna shoot hoops right now, its 6am and my backs not to good and will ya just go get me glass a water would ya”
“Ok but will you read to me when I get back”
“Sure no problem I can do that”
You sure do notice a difference with the eleven year age gap
Sure the skin is tight and the ass and the thighs and the cunt but it’s the talking the constant talking that drills into you’re head
It’s not just sex and whisky with these ones
It’s the games and the talking and the texting and the emails and the little presents with the little bows and the tartan pencil case with you’re name written in the heart and it’s the shooting of the hoops
Give me a married woman with three kids and a travelling husband and an ass that forgot to get old
That’s what I want
Sex and whisky
“Here’s your glass of water, will you read to me’?
“Sure no problem I can do that”
Once upon a time there lived this cougar…………………
“Listen kid I’m twice you’re age and my backs not too good and you’re a nice girl and nice girls shouldn’t be shooting hoops”
“But I wanna shoot some hoops”
“How about you get me a glass of water from the kitchen and jump back in bed here with me”
“You never want to do anything fun old man”
“I’m 28 and you had me up most of the night with the sex and the games and I just don’t wanna shoot hoops right now, its 6am and my backs not to good and will ya just go get me glass a water would ya”
“Ok but will you read to me when I get back”
“Sure no problem I can do that”
You sure do notice a difference with the eleven year age gap
Sure the skin is tight and the ass and the thighs and the cunt but it’s the talking the constant talking that drills into you’re head
It’s not just sex and whisky with these ones
It’s the games and the talking and the texting and the emails and the little presents with the little bows and the tartan pencil case with you’re name written in the heart and it’s the shooting of the hoops
Give me a married woman with three kids and a travelling husband and an ass that forgot to get old
That’s what I want
Sex and whisky
“Here’s your glass of water, will you read to me’?
“Sure no problem I can do that”
Once upon a time there lived this cougar…………………
Friday, June 13, 2008
Organ Donor
I haven’t had a drink in four weeks
I have whisky nightmares and Vodka dreams
My hands have stopped shaking and my liver is angry
I will put a hinged door for nightly access to my liver
And at night I will put my liver in a glass of whisky on the nightstand
It’s a grand plan
And in years to come my nightstand will have various glasses
My Liver in a glass of whisky
My Teeth in a glass of candy
My intestines in a glass of urine
My tongue in a glass of shit
And my heart in a glass of hate
And we will all be happy
And I will have to oil the hinges to the doors
I have whisky nightmares and Vodka dreams
My hands have stopped shaking and my liver is angry
I will put a hinged door for nightly access to my liver
And at night I will put my liver in a glass of whisky on the nightstand
It’s a grand plan
And in years to come my nightstand will have various glasses
My Liver in a glass of whisky
My Teeth in a glass of candy
My intestines in a glass of urine
My tongue in a glass of shit
And my heart in a glass of hate
And we will all be happy
And I will have to oil the hinges to the doors
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Two blocks
I ended a loveless affair with Sandra the barista and have to buy my coffee two blocks further down each morning
We started the loveless affair in the summer and it is now winter
And now I have to buy my coffee two blocks further down
I should have started our loveless affair in winter and then it would be summer and I wouldn’t mind walking two blocks further down to get my coffee each morning
I could look at all the shop windows and all the young girls in summer dresses as I walked the two blocks further down
But its winter and the shop windows are dull and the young girls are dull in their long coats and woollen beanies and red noses
And I have to walk two blocks further down
And it’s all dull
And the coffee is dull
And the shop windows are dull
And the young girls are dull
And I have to walk two blocks further down
My new barista is named Kylie
And it is now winter
And the next coffee shop is a further two blocks down
Next summer I will have to walk four blocks further down each morning to get my coffee
But then I will have the windows and the summer dresses
We started the loveless affair in the summer and it is now winter
And now I have to buy my coffee two blocks further down
I should have started our loveless affair in winter and then it would be summer and I wouldn’t mind walking two blocks further down to get my coffee each morning
I could look at all the shop windows and all the young girls in summer dresses as I walked the two blocks further down
But its winter and the shop windows are dull and the young girls are dull in their long coats and woollen beanies and red noses
And I have to walk two blocks further down
And it’s all dull
And the coffee is dull
And the shop windows are dull
And the young girls are dull
And I have to walk two blocks further down
My new barista is named Kylie
And it is now winter
And the next coffee shop is a further two blocks down
Next summer I will have to walk four blocks further down each morning to get my coffee
But then I will have the windows and the summer dresses
Friday, May 16, 2008
Confession
Bless me bloggers for I have sinned, it’s been 15 days since my last post.
What are your sins my son?
Well for the past month I have been on what we call a Bender father blogger. I have been consuming alcohol at an alarming rate and destroying all in my path.
What has happened during this bender my son?
Well father blogger it all started when I went into a bottle shop near close half drunk, chatted up the Asian lady behind the counter, fucked her in the beer fridge next to the Carlton Draught and nearly vomited when I got a whiff of her cunt that smelled like hay.
I called mates and left abusive and incoherent messages on their mobile phones
Not turning up for work
Maxed out a credit card purely on booze
Drunk; smashed a bottle of Vodka in the food court of a shopping centre when I was told there would be a five minute wait on my quarter pounder, then went back to the bottle shop where I bought it from and demanded a replacement. When the attended refused I grabbed him by his collar and threatened to arrange his face in an unpleasant manner.
I walked out with two bottles of Vodka.
Had security grab me at said shopping centre where I smashed another bottle of Vodka over said security guard and legged it out of there before I was left with no bottles of Vodka.
Was an absolute cunt of a person to my wife and nearly ended our marriage. No really I was the FULL CUNT. There are too many stories to tell you father blogger on how I was the full cunt to my wife. So we will leave it at that.
I do this every few years or so
It’s my blow off valve
I’m off the booze for a while now
Wife and I have started marriage counselling and I have started drug & alcohol counselling.
My drug & alcohol counsellor Monique is a foxy little vixen who I intend to fuck.
I’m taking my wife over to New York for a well deserved holiday so I won’t be around blogland for a few weeks
See you all in a few fuckers
Oh and thanks to all whom sent me concerning emails, it’s nice to have people like you around.
And Fingers you old cunt put you’re pants back on, I’m not gay.
What are your sins my son?
Well for the past month I have been on what we call a Bender father blogger. I have been consuming alcohol at an alarming rate and destroying all in my path.
What has happened during this bender my son?
Well father blogger it all started when I went into a bottle shop near close half drunk, chatted up the Asian lady behind the counter, fucked her in the beer fridge next to the Carlton Draught and nearly vomited when I got a whiff of her cunt that smelled like hay.
I called mates and left abusive and incoherent messages on their mobile phones
Not turning up for work
Maxed out a credit card purely on booze
Drunk; smashed a bottle of Vodka in the food court of a shopping centre when I was told there would be a five minute wait on my quarter pounder, then went back to the bottle shop where I bought it from and demanded a replacement. When the attended refused I grabbed him by his collar and threatened to arrange his face in an unpleasant manner.
I walked out with two bottles of Vodka.
Had security grab me at said shopping centre where I smashed another bottle of Vodka over said security guard and legged it out of there before I was left with no bottles of Vodka.
Was an absolute cunt of a person to my wife and nearly ended our marriage. No really I was the FULL CUNT. There are too many stories to tell you father blogger on how I was the full cunt to my wife. So we will leave it at that.
I do this every few years or so
It’s my blow off valve
I’m off the booze for a while now
Wife and I have started marriage counselling and I have started drug & alcohol counselling.
My drug & alcohol counsellor Monique is a foxy little vixen who I intend to fuck.
I’m taking my wife over to New York for a well deserved holiday so I won’t be around blogland for a few weeks
See you all in a few fuckers
Oh and thanks to all whom sent me concerning emails, it’s nice to have people like you around.
And Fingers you old cunt put you’re pants back on, I’m not gay.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Frederic Chopin knew how to write spreadsheets
I worked the whole week
This week
The whole week with the cunts
Tough haul, a long haul
The light at the end of the tunnel had a name
Pinot Noir
What a beautiful name
So elegant, so graceful
So misleading with its end result
I sit here in my office, Frederic Chopin playing his Concerto No.2 through my computer and drinking my eighth glass of Pinot.
My star employee Klara left forty five minutes ago after a fabulous snog and a monotonous hand job
She’s more of a rising star, one to look out for in the next draft pick
My boss called me at 4:30pm today to say she had a deal for me, a deal I couldn’t refuse
I refused
But after a very short conversation detailing reasons why I can’t refuse
I accepted
This brings me to why I’m sitting in my office writing you
I have to come up with spreadsheets that read the data of the data that head office require
Normally head office can suck my finely manicured balls, but seeing as it’s for Captain-I-have-allot-of-information-on-you-that-could-ruin-your-career
I graciously accepted.
So I will sip another sip of my Pinot and type another =sum (A2:Z60) and that will please my powers that be
Why do I do this?
Because I know I will access the internet at work and masturbate to naked women while I am getting paid to write spreadsheets
Question
How the fuck do you write spreadsheets?
I’ll have another drink please!!!!!
This week
The whole week with the cunts
Tough haul, a long haul
The light at the end of the tunnel had a name
Pinot Noir
What a beautiful name
So elegant, so graceful
So misleading with its end result
I sit here in my office, Frederic Chopin playing his Concerto No.2 through my computer and drinking my eighth glass of Pinot.
My star employee Klara left forty five minutes ago after a fabulous snog and a monotonous hand job
She’s more of a rising star, one to look out for in the next draft pick
My boss called me at 4:30pm today to say she had a deal for me, a deal I couldn’t refuse
I refused
But after a very short conversation detailing reasons why I can’t refuse
I accepted
This brings me to why I’m sitting in my office writing you
I have to come up with spreadsheets that read the data of the data that head office require
Normally head office can suck my finely manicured balls, but seeing as it’s for Captain-I-have-allot-of-information-on-you-that-could-ruin-your-career
I graciously accepted.
So I will sip another sip of my Pinot and type another =sum (A2:Z60) and that will please my powers that be
Why do I do this?
Because I know I will access the internet at work and masturbate to naked women while I am getting paid to write spreadsheets
Question
How the fuck do you write spreadsheets?
I’ll have another drink please!!!!!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Professionalism is a dirty word
Below is an email sent by this cunt faced nobody to her manager. Her manager happens to be a mate of mine and has forwarded it onto me for a laugh.
Hi Paul,
Please find below details of encounters that I have had with the Manager from our Blah Blah Office:
He is extremely unprofessional, often looking slovenly without his corporate tie.
He is always unshaven, reeks of cheap cologne, smokes excessively, including in the company vehicle.
Eats very greasy stinky food and leaves said wrappers in the car.
He is a terrible driver and has very bad taste in music
He is quite lecherous and makes inappropriate comments in regards to women
He seems to be constantly hungover but in a weird kind of way, but he can be quite amusing.
Kerryn Blah Blah
Business Development Officer
Marketing and Communication
Blah Blah
“I was highly offended at this email sent, I do not wear cheap cologne”.
Hi Paul,
Please find below details of encounters that I have had with the Manager from our Blah Blah Office:
He is extremely unprofessional, often looking slovenly without his corporate tie.
He is always unshaven, reeks of cheap cologne, smokes excessively, including in the company vehicle.
Eats very greasy stinky food and leaves said wrappers in the car.
He is a terrible driver and has very bad taste in music
He is quite lecherous and makes inappropriate comments in regards to women
He seems to be constantly hungover but in a weird kind of way, but he can be quite amusing.
Kerryn Blah Blah
Business Development Officer
Marketing and Communication
Blah Blah
“I was highly offended at this email sent, I do not wear cheap cologne”.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
