Uno and Ouzo

I was working in a dirty shit-hole kitchen in St Kilda as an apprentice

A marvellous introduction into the world of commercial cooking

It was a real dump, there was food stains on the roof, green rotten bacon in the drop fridges, mouldy soups that would be mixed together and put up on the specials board

The head chef was a big Greek man who would walk in and say “Who we gonna kill today ah you motherfuckers”?

He always played 80’s music during service and sang at the top of his voice

I was in charge of the cold larder section, cockroach salads and mice terrine

The job was shit and so was the pay

But the wait staff were top notch.

They were all uni students studying art or some subject that would eventually help them get into a leading call centre one day

There was this one girl Josephine who was a ballerina in training and she had the most tremendous posture I had ever seen.

She would glide across the kitchen: back straight, head perfectly angled and an ass like an eleven year old boy and she couldn’t put a move wrong.

Not in my book

I cut my finger nail clean off twice just from looking at that ass glide on by

She was crazy too, she’d sneak up on me from behind and slap me across the back of my head real hard and when I turned around she would grab my ears with both hands and pull me too her and plant a big kiss smack on my lips and say “It’s cold and rainy outside with a slight south westerly” and she would turn on her toes and glide off.

She only worked Friday & Saturday nights and on those nights after work she would come over to my apartment, sit at my kitchen table and play Uno and drink Ouzo.

I’d drink whisky straight up and smoke cheap cigars and let the ash fall on the table

She would shoot her Ouzo down, each time, wipe her mouth with the back of her hand and say “That’ll put hair on ya chest, too right it will”

We never had a straight conversation, it was always in statements or riddles or looks or physical

If I said something she didn’t like she would slap me across the face

If I said something that she liked she would grab my balls and wink

It could be something as little as “Would you like a cup of tea”?

SLAP

“How about Ouzo”?

BALLS, WINK

I never offered much tea

She would craft little faces or figures out of my cigar ash on the table using a toothpick, give them names like Frank or Gretel and baptise them with Ouzo washing them away

“Why you gotta do that on my table”? I’d say

“Fuck you they have as much right to go to heaven as you do” she’d say

“Why use the Ouzo? It gets on the floor and I stick to it all week, use the water”

“You’re not gunna get into heaven with that attitude Mr” she’d say and toss a shot of Ouzo at me and then she would deal another hand

She always won at Uno; I was never much a fan I just played it to keep her there. I liked having her around; she wasn’t dull like most other girls

Also, we never once had sex

She said she was saving herself for Mr Right

“I’m saving myself for Mr Right” she’d say

I was not him

Instead we would sit at the kitchen table where we drank and played and smoked and baptised and we would take our pants off and masturbate together too miss matched celebrities

She would rub her clitorises and say “Julia Roberts and Humphrey Bogart” and she would close her eyes and moan

I would work my cock and say “Marilyn Monroe and Jack Nicholson” and she would close her eyes and moan

Sometimes I would say the wrong name and she would open her eyes and slap me

When we came we would yell “UNO” and she would come over to me and lick the cum off my hand and leg and take a shot of Ouzo and say “That’ll put hair on ya chest, too right it will”

I still see her sometimes when I go to the Ballet

Watching her glide across the stage like she did in the kitchen

She did find Mr Right, a local minister out in the suburbs

I hope he likes Uno




PS. Sorry fuckers for not being around too much lately, the fuckers I work for gave me a promotion and now I have to pretend I know what I’m doing at a whole new pay level. Will be around soon
Till then

FUCK OFF