Beef Casserole at a 100 paces

Another house, another bed, another woman, another bathroom, another way home

I get up and go to the bathroom for a shit; her cooking is taking its revenge

I use her toothbrush and throw up in the toilet, sweat beading on my forehead, I wipe the sweat with my singlet top and it leaves a dirty mark where I wiped

Crazy bitch tried to kill me

I sit on the toilet and the shit streams out like the vomit did, thin and powerful.

I wash my face and hands, brush my teeth and I vomit again

I find the kitchen downstairs and drink from a container of juice and look at her family pictures stuck on the fridge with magnets collected on family trips around Australia

There’s a big pineapple, a big banana, a big lobster, a big worm and a big guitar

There’s a picture of her and her husband and her two kids sitting on a bluestone wall with the ocean behind them, they are all smiling and looking happy and relaxed.

I vomit into the sink

I look for something to wipe my mouth

I look in the cupboards, the draws and the pantry, nothing

I grab one of the finger paintings off the fridge and wipe the vomit from my mouth and put it back with the big pineapple

I take another drink of juice and stare at the finger painting

I have improved it

I go back upstairs and look at her sleeping, her legs are showing out from under the sheets, she has wonderful legs, long and thin and smooth and strong.

They are not legs exclusively for me, I must share them with her husband and with other lovers. I want her legs just for me, around me, smooth and strong and long and thin.

I trace my index finger the length of her leg and she stirs and so does my stomach

I run to the bathroom and vomit

She comes in behind me

“What’s the matter?”

“You tried to kill me you crazy bitch”

“What are you talking about?”

“The food, you poisoned it you crazy bitch, I’m going to die, I can feel death”

“No I didn’t you bastard; you just have a weak stomach”

“Hand me your toothbrush, I’m going to stick it down my throat and get all your poison out”

“What? No way man you have vomit in your mouth, use your fingers”

“I already used it twice already, hand me the damn thing, I gotta get this Death outta me you crazy bitch”

She hands me her toothbrush and I stick it as far down my throat as I can and more of her poison comes out.

I jab it in further and more of her death comes out.

“Crazy bitch I’m dieing, you killed me”

As I kneel down like a dog at the toilet and jam her toothbrush down a third time and really try to force out the death, I loose my bowels and spray shit across the bathroom.

She screams

“Ahhh it’s on my leg, you son-of-a-bitch you shit on my leg, Ahhh”

“Screw your leg I’m dieing, I’m dieing and I shit myself, I can see the headlines now”

WOMANISING BLOGGER FOUND DEAD
IN LEGGY LOVERS BATHROOM
COVERED IN SHIT AND VOMIT,
MURDERED BY BEEF CASSEROLE

“You shit on my mat and my leg and look at the tiles, ahhhh, you son-of-a-bitch, who’s gunna clean this up?”

“Quick get me some finger paintings”

“What?”

“Finger paintings woman, on the fridge, with the big fruit, get em”

She leaves the room

I crawl in the shower, turn on the water and watch the shit and vomit disappear down the drain and wait for death.

I’m still waiting…………