Saturday
I had my night set
Wife working 9pm till 5am
A bottle of whisky, a bottle of dry, a tall glass and plenty of ice.
Antipasto for one nestled comfortably atop the coffee table, between a box of Sorbent ‘Thick & Large’ and a 50g tube a KY.
A fresh collection of XXX porn spanning such titles as ‘2 young to fall in love’, ‘Ass wide open’, ‘Weapons of Asstruction’ and The Babysitter 21’.
Grabbing a slice of prosciutto and a Kalamata olive I decided on The Babysitter 21. Figuring the last 20 must have been such a success that it warranted a 21st.
First chick was a fast-forward.
Second chick, BINGO, KENO FUCKING JACKPOT.
She had it all, well most of all.
Fine ass; Check √
Small tits; Check √
Body; Bangan, check √
Head; dimples, nice mouth, check √
Slice of ham off the bone, caviar and Danish fetta as I get settled in to fuck the babysitter.
As I get into the groovy baby yeah, I realise she has no idea how to give head.
“How did she pass audition?”
Well must push on, can’t let a little thing like that spoil all the fun.
As they move to the stairway and as I apply a liberal coating of KY and move into the next faze of self pleasure, the phone rings.
The fucking phone
Of course, what else
Leave it
It’s probably mum?
Ahhhhhhhh FUCK now you’ve gone and done it
Instant collapse
I answer the fucking phone and instead of hearing my mothers voice I here the voice of my regional manager. (The Christmas party one)
“What do you want?”
“Is it ok to talk?”
“Well wife is at work if that’s what you mean, but I’m in the middle of fucking the babysitter”
“You said you didn’t have any kids”
“What? What the fuck do you want?”
“Sorry”
“Sorry? I was seconds away from lift off, satisfaction, artichokes and a basil & pine nut dip”.
“It’s my husband he’s been cheating on me”
“And I’ve been munching you’re snatch business hours. Point”
“Can I come over?”
“No you can not come over, are you fucking mental?”
“I need to talk”
“Oh no you don’t, I already got one woman who can say that I don’t need another”
“Can we meet?”
“Ok”
We meet in a city bar, a shitty bar.
I walk in and she’s propped up looking like a racoon.
Stupid bitch wears make up in this state.
“You’re late”
“What?”
“Want a drink?”
“Scotch”
“He’s been cheating on me with one of my friends”
“Standard, How long?”
“I don’t know, he wont say, says I’m over reacting”
“Standard”
“What do I do?”
“I don’t know, you’re MY mentor, guru, Boss”
“You’re my intimate”
“I’m you’re fucking work fuck buddy who’s kept up his end of the bargain and is currently on double time and a half here”
“You’re sarcasm is not supportive”
“Supportive? Listen boss you called me in a state and now I’m sitting here in a shitty bar talking to a racoon, missing out on ham, caviar, a babysitter, artichokes and a basil and pine nut dip”
“Sorry”
“Stop saying sorry, what do you want?”
“I want to talk”
“Stop saying that, you’re not qualified”
“You’re an asshole”
“And I’ve never promoted anything else”
“I’m going to make sure you’re out of a job!”
Well people as you might well know I’m not someone who gets intimidated by anyone other than his wife (that’s why I married her). It would be an understatement to say I went off my Coles trolley.
I don’t’ take too kindly to threats against my livelihood/career and especially my marriage.
I left cunt face racoon sipping on her conscience and Mai Thai and retired back to my babysitter and pine nut dip.
I received a call the next day apologising for her actions and telling me her and her husband had, had a big talk where she told him about our little lunch breaks and that they are staying together and making a proper go of it and that from now on all our future interactions are to be purely professional.
All this while my wife was sitting in the fucking passenger seat right fucking next to me.
“Maybe we should bring this up in our teleconference on Tuesday?”
“What? I don’t want everyone knowing our business”
“My point exactly”
“What are you talking about? Is it not a good time to talk? Is you’re wife with you?”
“Yes it is a lovely Sunday afternoon and I’m just taking my wife for a late lunch in St Kilda, so maybe we could run over this proposal on Tuesday? Would that be alright with you (YOU-DUMB-FUCKING-CUNT-FACED-CUNT-IDIOT-FUCKING-TART-OF-A-CUNT-FUCK-FUCK-FUCKING-STUPID CUNT)”
“Oh OK yes that would be fine”
“Thank you ______, you have a lovely weekend and talk to you Tuesday”
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15 comments:
Bunny- I couldn’t agree more
Two of the most magnificent typos ever, BoBo.
'As I get into the grove baby yeah'...
The olive grove by any chance, Antipasto Man ??
'The fucking phone
Of course, what else
Lave it'...
Lave it...awesome...Freud would be a'laving in his grave...
I dunno, I think it kind of spoils the fun having to fast forward through the bad bits. I'm a bit of a porn snob I'm afraid. I can't get aroused if it looks like its been shot in a garage and each girl's been paid $50. I kind of like french director Marc Dorcel? you know him? French ladies in lovely underwear and much fucking on airplanes.
Oh what tangled webs we weave!
Fingers- Oh how foolish I have been. I should have known I could never pull the wool over such a literary genius as you ‘oyster pilot’.
Emmak- Ahh the $50 porn star. How I do love minimum wage.
Anon- point taken
Steph- I think that spider bite has had some side effects
I feel your anger - I too am a big fan of the basil & pine nut dip...
It takes a special kind of cunt to do what you did.
Fixing those typos to make me look foolish.
I won't forget this, BoBo...
Surfercam- It’s also nice with a bit of chilli
Fingers- You know what, your right, I believe its part of the true human spirit to find the faults in others and rip the absolute piss out of them. So that is why I have changed them back to the original form. My admitting that you were right is a rare occurrence so enjoy it fucker.
(.)(.)- I don’t know, Tyre boy doesn’t seem like he’s just got carry on luggage.
Chuck- If you are like me, at least five time a day.
I don't mean to pry, but what does your wife do that means she works those hours?! Totally understand if you don't want to reply. I am NOT a crackpot! Just curious.
I continue to be both amazed, riveted and unable to tear my retina's from your disgusting stories.
Sign me up for that dip too. Love it. Great smeared on little bikkies, with a blob of sun-dried tomato on top.
Fingers- Why what on earth are you talking about fingers? I see no typos ; )
Maybe you should have a lie down.
Anon- I don’t mean to pry, but why do you remain anonymous? Totally understand if you don’t want to reply. I AM a crackpot!
Ms smack- Wanna play Doctors and Nurses? I’ll be Dr Dip and you be Nurse Bikkie.
Point taken. Apologies to you. I'm annonymous because I like it!
Anon- Don’t apologise, no need. I like anonymity as well
Anon- As far as I’m concerned we have
Hope she doesn't cause any of the trouble that she threatened. Though I doubt she will, she sounds pretty irrational. And I think you would be able to call her bluff.
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