Lube, Smut and Two Smokin Hotties

You all know how I recently went up to Newcastle for a week of sex, drugs and Disney characters, mixing it up with Newcastle’s elite red neck steal workers. Well a bonus bi-product of that trip was that Berno hooked us up with, among other A-grade quality products, some A-grade quality porn. I’m talking hours upon hours of cock sucking, pussy licking, ass chewing, nipple twisting, fluid dripping, hardcore fucking porn.( I love this shit, just as much as I love Christmas parties and BBQ’s).

Now I’m not talking your high quality Private collection porn where the chicks asshole’s been bleached or the blokes cock looks like it’s been given the star treatment at a Toni & Guy salon. I’m talking the home-grown, armature shit where the chicks still haven’t gotten use to a camera invading their innocents and the blokes still haven’t worked out that little things like the correct placement of their feet will a) give the camera a better angle, b) allow for deeper penetration and most importantly c) make that horney ass bitch scream the fucking house down. This is the porn I love and this is the porn I have been whacking jack to in ‘08’, but not always alone Hmmmm.

When I showed my wife what delights I’d bought home from ‘Berno Wonka and the Hardcore Fucking Factory’ after finding the golden ticket, she was happier than Charlie when he found a fucking golden ticket. She insisted that we take the phone off the hook, close the blinds, crack a bottle of bubbly, strip off and play nice for a few hours while watching our hardcore delights.
This my cyber friends was a fucking awesome way to spend a lazy Sunday, or so I thought.

After fondling, sucking and tenderly fucking for a few hours and finishing off two bottles of bubbly, we fell asleep in each others arms (ahhh how fucking sweet, that’s sooo nice. Ahhh get fucked). When I woke my sweet darling wife was already awake and giving Danny Dildo a good going over. “Oi don’t start without me”, “I’m only warming up Bo, but we've run out of bubbly, would you be a darl and nick over the road and grab another couple of bottles”, “Sure dear, no problem”.

I wipe down, get dressed and for some reason find a few bits of glitter on my T-shirt and on my hands. Thinking nothing of it I set off on a bubbly mission as quick as I could, cause there ain’t no way Danny Dildo’s getting all the action.

On my walk to the grog shop which is located in a busy inner suburban shopping centre, I realise people are smiling at me and saying shit like “Hey mate well done”, “good on ya son” and “Ya lucky bastard”. What the fuck are these people on about? I thought. Cocksuckers are in a good mood today, fucking loopy cunts. I really wasn’t thinking too much about it cause I was on a top secret bubbly mission assigned to me by the woman at home currently being loved by an inanimate object and I was missing out.

When I get to the bottle shop, Ben the attendant who works there and the dude who I have known for about 3 years has the biggest fucking grin on his face and says “Been banging the missus mate?”, “ What? How the fuck do you know” “Oh I don’t know mate, maybe cause you’ve got written in black texta and glittered on you’re forehead ‘I FUCKED HIM HARD’. The fucking bitch had done this while I was asleep, her fucking loving husband who had just spent the last three hours making her lose total control of her body. Crazy bitch.

The customers who then walked in the door were greeted by an attendant on the floor behind the counter in fits of laughter and a crazy man franticly rubbing his forehead yelling “We’ll see who’s gunna get fucked hard, just you wait you crazy bitch, you’re gunna get fucked real hard....... real fucking hard”

When I got home that’s exactly what I did (after we both stopped laughing).

Funny bitch, you’re as crazy as I am.