Open For Inspection .........

I fucking hate Mondays! Feels like it was just Friday, I went to bed Friday night and woke up Monday. And do you know why it feels like that? Because I married the most organised woman in the fucking world and if she isn’t the most organised woman in the world I sure as hell don’t want to meet the fucker that is.

Queen-to-do-list had me running around all Saturday grocery shopping, picking up shit and looking at houses. I like looking at house’s, just not 15 in one fucking day. It got to the point where I was on first name bases and saying “see you in 20min” to the estate agents. I was having to make it to two different houses showing at the same time. Lucky all were in the Richmond and Abbotsford area.

Now anyone who knows me knows I have a short attention span. I get real bored real quick. I have to do shit to keep myself occupied (you never want to go shopping with me). So because I was on my own and let loose in other peoples houses I just couldn’t help myself. This is a list of some of the shit I got up to:

• Set alarm clocks for 2am
• Put porn magazines in the bathrooms. (I had this idea after the first two houses and nicked home to get the supplies)
• Put little packets of lube (you know the ones you get in packets of condoms) in the top draws of peoples bedside tables.
• Left torn out brothel and transsexual escort adds from the local paper next to the phones (I even circled the number and wrote a date and time next to it).
• Left a note on a fridge saying thanks for lunch. PS, you’re out of mayo.
• Left notes under peoples pillows and in their bathroom medicine cabinets saying “I can now watch you all the time”

By the fifteenth house I was in a rather good mood.

I picked the Queen up from work at 5pm and had to drive to fucking Seaford for a house warming. The dude bought a house in Seaford and works in Tullamarine. Crazy fucker.
Left the party at 11pm to drive back to a bar in Richmond for a friend’s 30th. Had two drinks and started falling asleep in one of the seats till I was interrupted by a chick I use to bang a few years back.

I don’t know about you but it’s fucking awkward introducing you’re wife to a fuck buddy. Way too close to home if you ask me. Once the introductions were done I sent my wife to the bar for a drink and reminded the loopy ex-fuck of the rules and told her to fuck off and never even look at me when I’m in the company of my fucking wife. FUCKING HELL.

On Sunday I donned on the gear, jumped on my mountain bike and went for a 45km ride with a mate along some awesome single tracks by the Yarra and up in around Heidelberg. The bloke I was with is an experienced MTB rider and I have a feeling he had set out at the start of the day to absolutely punish the fucking shit out of me (cunt).

He took me on some great single tracks that I had not discovered yet and ones that had some fucking crazy drop offs. I came off twice over the day (Having my feet clicked into the cunting peddles doesn’t fucking help) and did some minor damage to my arm and leg.

I got home after three hours of punishing but awesome MTB riding only to find my fucking wife standing there with a whole new fucking-to-do-list. It took all my strength not to punch her in the nose (this is tong in cheek, I don’t hit women, I only spank them).
I’m not going to go into what I had to fucking do but lets just say I went to bed around 11pm and woke up this morning thinking what the fuck happened to my weekend.

I don’t like Mondays.