One night after work I was sitting in the loading bay of the hotel I was working at, drinking whisky and eating my dinner. A bum walked past and spotted my whisky and my dinner.
He walked over and sat next to me. He smelled of 1000 shitty asses and 1000 half smoked cigarettes.
His name was Doug.
Doug: “Can I have a sip of your whisky”
Bo: “Sure Doug”
Doug: “Can I have a mouthful of your dinner”
Bo: “Sure Doug”
Doug: “Do you work here?”
Bo: “I sure do Doug”
Doug: “Any chance of some more whisky”
Bo: “Sure is Doug”
I went and got Doug some more whiskey and some more food.
Doug and I sat in the loading bay and talked and drank whisky.
Doug was a parking attendant for 30 years and was made redundant by a ticket machine, 30 years experience, replaced by a machine.
Interview after interview, rejection after rejection, Doug’s spirit was soon sucked out of his balls. No one wanted a 50 year old man with no qualifications and no experience other than parking attending.
His wife soon left, followed by his daughter.
Bo: “When was the last time you had a shower Doug”
Doug: “Don’t know Bo”
Bo: “I think you need a shower Doug”
Doug: “Ok Bo”
I took Doug to my suite where he showered for 2 hours.
I took his clothes down to laundry to have them cleaned
We watched TV and drank whisky and waited for his clothes to come back from the laundry.
He told me of the time Kerry Packer tipped him $1000 for watching his car.
He had sat in that car with the air conditioner on smoking cigarettes for most of the day.
And spent the $1000 on booze that week.
“That should have been the sign right there Bo” he said. “I should have realised I was destined to be a bum right then and there”, “That tip ended my life”
Bo: “When was the last time you went out Doug? Out on the town?”
Doug: “I’m always out on the town Bo. I’m a Bum”
Bo: “Ok, when was the last time you tasted cunt”
Doug: “A long time Bo, I’m a bum”
Bo: “Ok then that settles it, get dressed we're going out”
Doug put on one of my suits, which was a little long in the arms but a shit load better than his rags.
First we went and bought cigars.
Then we went and drank more whisky.
Doug had only seen his daughter once since her and his ex-cunt-wife walked out on him two years earlier. She was out the font of Flinders St Train Station with a few of her friends, giggling and offering sideway glances at the boys that walked past.
Doug was on the other side of the road out the front of Young & Jackson’s begging for food and money, begging to stay alive, begging for his life.
He didn’t approach her.
We finished our whisky and went onto Bennett’s Lane to catch a jazz band.
On the walk Doug pointed out his bed.
An alcove between a sandwich shop and a boot maker’s.
We listened to the band, drank whisky and smoked our cigars in silence.
Once the bar closed we headed down to a local whorehouse.
Doug chose the first girl that came out.
Bo: “Don’t you want to see who else comes out?”
Doug: “You must be fucking crazy man”
Bo: “I must”
After an hour Doug emerged from a random room with a look on his face that I would describe as ‘innocent delight’
The whores face; business as usual.
Out the front of the whorehouse we said our goodbyes.
Doug: “What a night”
Bo: “What a night”
Doug: “Thanks Bo”
Bo: “Don’t mention it Doug”
Doug: “What about your suit?”
Bo: “keep it Doug”
Bo: “What about your rags?”
Doug: “Keep em Bo”
I never saw Doug again
But I’m told he was the greatest parking attendant this world has ever seen.
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11 comments:
God, I love chefs. The good one's are complete arseholes, but they have hearts as big as their dicks and know what's important. Great post. I knew there had to be a heart in there.
That sounds almost as philanthropic as buying two thousand witches....
Did you get a tax credit for the donation at the whore house?
You're reallly really good at that.
Anon- Keep quiet about me having a heart. It’s not good for my reputation.
Josh- No but I got the first home buyers grant for the cardboard box I gave him.
Funny fucker.
Ms smack- Thanks, good at what?
awesome.
Great advice, BoBo.
Last night I put on some old renovating clothes, smeared cat shit on my face, then struck up a hard-luck conversation with a guy who took me back to his place for a shower, gave me an Armani suit, took me out for a nice dinner with wine and bottle of cognac to finish. Then he called ATOC and had two girls delivered to service me for 3 hours, bought me a box of Cuban cigars, some Polo cologne and a nice umbrella.
It works like a charm...
Surfercam- Thanks
Fingers- Is that you Doug?
That's nice to hear....I hope it's true. And even it it's not, I hope you pretend it is!
Bunny- True story
You're good at sharing your little yarns like that.
I totally love reading them!
Thanks for taking dad out. Shame he caught syphilis from the hooker though.
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